and a few more bumps around year 3...
when we tell her about her birth miracle and healing at 3 we remind her that God has a plan for her life.
(yes, I know...he has a plan for everyone's life)...
but we tell her that 'someone' tried to stop her from being the person she was meant to be.
and not greatness in the view of the world, but greatness in how God views her...
this past week we had the privilege as her parents to witness her allowing God to live thru her and not to let 'someone' else control her life.
This is a Bible verse that we've talked about as a family,
" Therefore, to one who knows the right {or good} thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin."
~ James 4:17
and that is what Madison did, she knew the good, and she did it!
She started middle school last week...
She was worried about changing classes...
getting lost on the campus...
not finding her friends at lunch...
not having ANY friends in any of her classes...
of all that scary homework....
one thing that she went into the year knowing was that even if she had no classes with her friends...she at least HAD friends. She has 2 really good friends going to the same school, and lots and lots of kids from the past 6 years of school all on the same campus...
she was good...
We did encourage her to meet and make other friends....
not because we don't like her friends, we do...
but she has 6 classes and her 2 friends are in NONE of those classes...so life will just feel better if she has a friend or two in some of those classes...it will be less lonely...
she wasn't out there to find replacement friends...
just add to her friends...you know...
...make new friends, but keep the old...
....one is silver, the other gold....
she just maybe needed to add to the silver list...
she notices a girl in her 'core' class with the same backpack as her...
(core is the new term for homeroom...and just to make things confusing for us old school parents...core isn't always your first class of the day, you might end your day with core!)
day two...
she starts talking to matching backpack girl*...
(*special blog note...her name is not actually matching backpack girl, that would be weird, but to keep things safe I will not be using actual names besides Madison's)
she's nice...
day three...
more talking...she's really nice...maybe we can be friends in 'core' together...
day four...
finds out that matching backpack girl moved from a k-8th school so none of her friends moved over to 6th grade but stayed at the k-8th school...
matching backpack girl is shy and worried about making new friends...
day five...
Madison invites matching backpack girl to eat lunch with her and her friends...
day five lunch time...
Madison and matching backpack girl see Madison's friends at 'their table'...
they walk to the table and Madison begins the introductions...
"old friends, meet matching backpack girl...matching backpack girl meet old friends."
only...one old friend doesn't wait for introductions to finish, but packs up her lunch and leaves in a huff...
other old friend stays at table but turns and talks to other kids at the table and ignores Madison and matching backpack girl...well ignores her while also making weird snotty faces in their general direction, (lots of exaggerated eye rolls and hair tosses)...
M..."what's going on?"
OF's...."we don't like matching backpack girl!"
M..."why not?"
"she didn't share her new ball," says one old friend (really are we in kindergarten?)
Madison asks matching backpack girl about the ball thing
matching backpack girl, "it was a new ball and I wasn't letting anyone play with it."
Madison thinks...
I've known matching backpack girl for 5 days, but she's nice and she's shy, I don't think she's lying about the ball thing...she even agreed with old friend that she didn't share her ball, but she had a good reason...
Madison goes back to old friends...
"how about you meet her and talk with her, she's really nice."
OF's..."you choose her or us!"
Madison thinks...
Matching backpack girl has done nothing wrong...
my old friends are being rude and mean...
friends don't try to control you, bullies try to control you...
Madison chooses to eat lunch with matching backpack girl...
Madison comes home and tells us what happened...
we tell her we're proud of her...
we ask if she wants to call her old friends and talk about the situation...
she doesn't...she wants to wait over the weekend and see what happens on Monday...
maybe everyone was tired from the long first week of school and sports try-outs...
Monday morning...
old friends approach Madison before school starts,
"so who are you going to choose her or us?"
Madison said,
"I'm going to choose her, she hasn't done anything wrong!"
Matching backpack girl talks to Madison is class...
telling her it's okay if she hangs out with the old friends, she can tell they don't like her and she doesn't want Madison to not have her friends.
Madison said,
"no, you've done nothing wrong, I am going to stay with you!"
Meantime...I am frustrated...
of these 2 old friends, one is a REALLY REALLY good friend, they've been in class since 2nd grade
(sorta a big deal when you have 120 kids in the same grade!)...
how can her friend not trust her?
why can't she broaden her friendships?
why are we back at this point of drama?
(we had friend drama for Madison's first 3 years of school...
until she found this really really good friend)
after lots of inner-turmoil I decided that I needed to talk to the mom of her really good friend...
we as parents have always trusted her parents,
we're on many of the same pages when it comes to parenting our kids....
and I would want to know if Madison had done this to one of her friends...
I find really, really good friend's mother and we talk...
I ask her if she knew about the drama on Friday...
what drama?
...nothing...
really? what consumed Madison all weekend long and made her feel sick going back to school today and her daughter had told her nothing...
so I layout the whole story...
also remembering that although Madison is a sweet girl, her story is HER story and old friend's story might be different and might 'feel' different from her side of things.
Madison may have been seeing things thru emotional goggles...
one of the biggest issues I have with this whole thing is
I like...really really like...her old friend.
they belong together...they GET each other in a very special way...
they are supposed to be friends...we love old friend's family...
not just her parents but her siblings as well...
Madison and old friend NEED to be together
And that is why I am so proud of Madison...
she knows all this...
she gets this...
she knows how hard those first 3 years of school were...
she remembers FINALLY finding old friend,
she remembers when they were new friends...
she can't imagine life without old friend now...
she also loves old friend's family...
but she knew that when friends were telling her she had to choose...
choose them or matching backpack girl...
Madison, heart-breaking, knew that matching backpack girl had done nothing wrong for these friends to tell her she couldn't be friends with both, knew she needed to choose the unknown, she couldn't choose her old friends, her friends that 'get' her, if her 'friends' were telling her she had to choose then her friends had changed and Madison needed to stay true to herself and choose the scary unknown, because even though it was unknown it was right.
(seriously...how many of us adults have been faced with choose old comfortable but wrong, and the unknown but right path...and chosen the comfortable wrong path?)
back to my talk with old friend's mom...
she's frustrated...
she knows Madison and she knows her daughter
and she knows that Madison wouldn't have made up this drama...
that Madison had been hurt (and maybe still being hurt) by her daughter
she knows her daughter did something painful, hurtful, and wrong...
she is pretty frustrated with her daughter....
she's going thru that, 'what did we do wrong?' as parents thing...
I am reminding her about that old thing we call free will...
she can teach her daughter everything right yet, her daughter still has to choose her own path...
this isn't a parenting issue, they didn't raise her to do this to old friends and potential new friends...
yet, as parents we have that small glimpse of God's pain, when our children make the wrong choice even when they know the truth...
old friends mom was ready to go home and tear her daughter apart...she wanted to yell at her and then have her call and apologize...I wanted that to...
but then we got to thinking...our girls are getting older...having their mommies make them 'kiss and make up' isn't what they need.
our girls are in middle school...
they're 11 1/2...
they might not always tell us when a friend has hurt them...
they are at the age that rather than a demanded apology the hurt child needs to approach the one that hurt them,
and say, "hey, you hurt me!"
"What you did wasn't okay?"
they need to ask,
"Did I maybe do something that caused you to react this way?"
they need to learn that mom isn't going to always be there to fix it...
but they can learn that when mom is still holding their hand...
so old friend's mom still had a nice long talk with old friend...
...and her dad did some talking too...
they asked her "why?"
"had matching backpack girl done something to her?"
"does she know matching backpack girl?"
etc, etc, etc...
they walked her through how her actions hurt her closest friend
how she hurt a girl that she did't even know (matching backpack girl)
how she embarrassed them
how they were proud that Madison her closest friend stood up to her when she was making wrong choices
and then we had Madison call her...
Madison was the one that had been hurt,
she needed to call her friend and tell her,
"you hurt me...
"you didn't act how a friend should act...
"I want to be your friend but I'm not going to chose you over matching backpack girl, because matching backpack girl has done nothing wrong!"
Madison had to make the stand...
not her mom or old friend's mom..
she needed to learn that her mom isn't going to always be the one to fix all the wrongs
but she could still do that with her mom sitting next to her.
She was amazing...
she said,
"I need to ask you why you've been hurtful to me?"
"Why you are being mean to my new friend?"
"Why you are asking me to choose?"
Her friend asked for forgiveness
she didn't know why she was being mean, but knows it was wrong
maybe she was being influenced by another friend,
but that was wrong of her to allow her to dictate her actions.
she wants to talk to matching backpack girl and tell her she is sorry,
ask if she'd be willing to try to be her friend even though she was mean to her
Tuesday morning...
old friend is in library and hour before school...
....so is matching backpack girl....
they are the only two in the library...
...old friend approaches matching backpack girl...
asks if they can talk,
tells her she's sorry for how she was acting,
wants to know if they can start over fresh...
can we all be friends?
matching backpack girl says yes...
old friend has some time to hang out and get to know matching backpack girl before Madison gets to school...
and guess what?
she likes her, she really, really likes her
matching backpack girl is a good person...
there were other 'characters' in the drama...maybe ones that aren't as close, maybe some that influenced old friend's behavior, ones that aren't interested in trying to be friends with matching backpack girl ...
but maybe it's time to distance ourselves from those friends...
move them from 'close friends' to 'I'll-say-hi-to-you-in-the-hallway' friends...
or maybe even, say good-bye altogether...
Beau and I are so proud of how Madison stood up for right in this situation...
we know that we've 'taught' her to do right, we've instilled in her life God's truths
coincidentally (or not) her youth pastor just finished a series on
being who you are, not someone else!
last weeks lesson was on Esther and living into who God made you to be...
we also know that this was/is not about us,
this isn't because we did the right thing as parents...
or that her youth pastor just finished an amazing series
good parents have kids that make bad choices
and horrible parents have kids that make amazing choices...
this was/is about Madison...
in a difficult moment she chose right!
not easy,
not comfortable
not the known...
she made the moral choice, the good choice, the one that God was leading her to make
Her greatness...that God has planed for her...
...is her being her...
living her life and being the person God has planned her to be...
she was born to be this tenderhearted, empathetic, friend...
to stand up against 'evil'
...yes, I said evil...
girls being mean is the opposite of goodness and righteousness
therefore...they are acting out in evil...
Madison was standing up against sin....
Madison...you were born for this!
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)
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