and then I grew up...
and life happened....
and I haven't figured out want I want to be yet...
or do I know and am just scared.
I have always know what I don't want to be...
and that has changed a few times...
Well recently while talking with a 'friend' he
requested that I write a paragraph about where I see myself in 5 years...
the catch...
take Beau and the kids out of the equation...
they can come back into the picture...
but write the paragraph more about me...
where do I want to be...
not Beau's wife...
not Madison and Wilson's mom...
but to be completely selfish with my 5 year paragraph...
totally easy peasy right?
WRONG...
first, I AM Beau's wife
and I AM Madison and Wilson's mom...
that's a MAJOR part of who I am...
second...I guess he didn't realize that I don't write in paragraph form...
and thirdly...this makes me think of the Do's not the Don'ts in my life
I can easily tell you where I don't want to be,
what I don't want to be doing,
were I don't want to be living...etc...
and Don'ts are easy...they require that I do nothing...
yikes...
I thought saying No was good...
the Do's are hard...
the Do's mean I need to set goals,
I need to put myself out there,
I need to expose myself...
it means I might not reach my goals,
I might get shot down by other people
that I'd be naked!!!!
Do's are really hard...
this 'friend' (with my husband by my side) kept asking me questions that I didn't want to answer...
and was answering them with answers that I don't allow my children to use because they AREN'T answers...
"maybe," "sure," "I don't know!"....
Let your yes me yes and your no be no...
NOT 'maybe', 'sure', or 'I don't know'!!!
I have sat down to write this paragraph about 15 times (in less than a week)...and I always walk away with nothing!
once I write it, it's a Do...not a list of don'ts anymore...
I like my list of don'ts...
I don't want a job that takes away from my kids
I don't want a job that takes me away from my husband
I don't want a job that isn't flexible
I don't want a job were someone tells me what to do
I don't want a job that isn't fulfilling
I don't want a job that I work with adults that act like children
I don't want to work nights
I don't want to work weekends
I don't want to work summers
I don't want to work during the kids school breaks
still trying to wrap my head around my selfish paragraph of my life in 5 years....
maybe...okay...WHEN I say,
"I don't know what I want to be when I grow up"
I'm running away from the do...
I don't want to be a grown up,
I don't want the responsibility of making the choices,
because once I make the choice someone can blame me...
once I make the choice good or bad...it's on my shoulders and I can't point the finger and say, "this was your choice, I'm just along for the ride."...
I turn it into a sweet, "I'm your wife and I'll follow you, whatever your choice I will be by your side"...but it's still not MY choice...
special note...Beau would not make a life changing decision without us discussing it and praying about it first...
so 'friend'...I'm still working on the paragraph...going away for a few days on a retreat with Beau, and I'll try my hardest to get it to you when I get back....in your email box by Friday!!!
3 comments:
Dear Kiera,
As I read this I see a do list with one item.
-I do want to take care of my family!
Is it possible that you do know what you want to be when you grow up and you are doing it.
Why struggle against what you are already doing? Who is asking you to do that?
'friend'
I also wondered if you aren't already doing what you wanted to do?
Does there have to be more?
Just wondering! :)
How can you be asked to take your husband and kids out of the picture? Be selfish? Isn't that why women are leaving their husbands? Because they want to do what "they have never been able to do" that it's "me" time?
Why is a 'friend' asking you to do this?
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